good·bye

Today I start my next leg of my travels; over to Toronto to see my sister. Not off to the best start as I am sat in Minneapolis–St Paul airport waiting for a flight that might be cancelled. I am not a stranger to the flight delay on this trip. It’s to be expected when you are traveling to places prone to snow storms. Thankfully no tears at the airport saying goodbye to Sam today. We’ve spent the past 8 years keeping our friendship alive through distance. We are not the needy friend type. We know we are good without having to call each other all the time; but I have rung her needing her support at 2am & she’s been there for me. It’s just a new age friendship; distance isn’t a problem.

I feel like I have been saying a lot of goodbyes recently which has been both positive & negative. The positive goodbyes have been to a life that I was somewhat forcing, goodbye to a job I wasn’t enjoying, goodbye to a love that was weak, goodbye to a house & area that honestly I was simply putting up with because my happiness wasn’t a priority in my eyes, goodbye to constantly feeling a like a ghost in my own life & goodbye to allowing myself to be emotionally drowned to the point of completely losing myself.

You can offer someone your support, but when it starts to drag you into the water that is drowning them you need to think if this is something you can handle. You can’t save someone else if you are struggling to support yourself.

The most painful goodbye has to be to a little person who when I first entered the relationship I was terrified about. I honestly thought I would fail him. Looking after children was always something I had been scared about. I don’t think I have ever verbalised this aloud to myself before. Women have this pressure to be good with children place upon them. I have actually always found dealing with young children really daunting. I always thought I would fail. Not being a good enough person to help & support them. I remember meeting him for the first time & being so nervous. Children have the most wonderful of way of breaking down walls, their innocence is infectious. The most painful thing about it is that I never wanted to leave this way; but the choice was forced upon me. The choices made by someone else have lead me to make a decision about leaving in a certain way that was no longer mine. I do no cry about the loss of the relationship; if anything the whole thing has opened up a stronger line of communication between us but when it comes to him even typing this out it I get tears in my eyes. I still get updates; I am not sure at the moment if this helping or making it all worse. I will have to see how that goes with more time. I spoke to a very good friend of mine that took on the role of step dad for a number of years & even 7 years on after the relationship finished, it popped up on his facebook that it would have been their 10th birthday & it brought a tear to his eye. Even telling me the story I could feel his pain.

It’s a hard role being a step parent; yet it has to be one the best experiences in my life. I was lucky he was so kind to me & really was always so well behaved. A few issues with power balance at the start but nothing you outside of what is expected given the situation. He opened my life up to a whole new meaning to what family can feel like. I was thrusted into it really. A 30 year old career woman now stood in-front of toddler. You are balancing a relationship between two people that broke down whilst just trying to be a good person all round to everyone involved. Comments I had given to me second hand were very hurtful. Equally disrespectful actions followed. Remaining kind was the most important thing to me. At the end of the day, the most important thing was a little boy trying to figure out his way. Phone calls being taken in other rooms out of my ear shot often left me running scenarios through my head for days. Only hearing the back end of information, or oneside was again something I started to struggle with. If anyone bothered to get to know me at all during this process; if meetings arrangements had been kept to you would know that I would never disrespect anyone in that way. The biggest lesson I have learn’t is to build a relationship with both parents. If I could go back & change anything it would be this. If I ever find myself in this role again I will have the confidence to handle it my way; through respect & kindness. My family also embraced my choice with open arms & I know they are missing him also which is something I have deal with everyday. The guilt I feel about this weighs very heavy on me. I feel like I failed. This feeling of failure is something that comes in waves & it’s tripling. I am truly lucky to have the parents I do. No matter what they support me 100% & have embraced the whole experienced also. That’s the thing with this, its not just me that has to deal with the loss too, my family are equally having to process this.

Would I change any of this experience, absolutely not. It was such a wonderful experience. The sad part is knowing that in a few more months, I’ll be gone out of memory. I will have this with me for the rest of my life; sure it will fade but it will never really leave. It will my turn to shed a tear for a birthday missed.

The positive thing to take out of all this pain is that I now know I enjoyed having children about & it is now something I do really look forward to later in life. I can thank a wonderful little boy for that. I got to watch my wonderful family be great role models & welcome the change with open arms. If I could even be half as good as my parents I’ll be really proud.

Goodbyes are never easy, but sometimes they are needed to move onto the right the path.

Update on my flight; it’s now cancelled!

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juicy·lucy

My travels seem to be mostly around food at the moment. Last night we had dinner at a really old bar in downtown St Paul called Matt’s Bar; home of the juicy lucy burger. What a burger! It has melted cheese in the middle with the nicest chips. Pure NOMMM!

Also went to a lovely place for breakfast called Butter Bakery & had a lovely breakfast burrito. It was snowing outside again, drinking coffee in the window of the cafe looking out to the snowy side walks. This for me is such a novelty.

After breakfast we went to a place called Buck Hill for some snow tubing. I haven’t ever done this before. It was so fast coming down the hill in the tube in the snow; really good fun if you haven’t ever tried it before.

In the evening we were all knackered so decided to get stay in & watch a film. We watched Rent on Fox; have to say, was really disappointing. After this we watched Disneys Coco. This film had me in tears. I have never seen it before & it was was beautiful. Really love how it embraces death & the idea that life is really the memories we leave with our families. We live on in our families. I had me in tears. It was making me think about loss; loss of love mostly. I think that’s why it hit really hard watching the film. Just hit a nerve. Generally I am feeling so positive about everything going on right now.

Become so engulfed in your own success that you forget it ever happened…..

Every day is chance to start over & smash it!

Rainbow·L·A·T·T·E

The weather has dropped to -32. It was so sunny yesterday the white snow glistening in the sunshine like little diamonds; it was so beautiful. The snow has piled up thick on the drive way & I was keen to give snow blowing a try. I can imagine it isn’t as fun when you’re running late for work in the morning & need to remove all the snow off your drive to get out: for me it was so fun.

Afterwards we went into St Paul to a nice coffee shop called Cafe Astoria. They make the prettiest coffee’s & nicest crepes. Was in a lovely building in the downtown area; this then set us up nicely to head over to Como to see the conservatory which houses a wonderful array of tropical plants. If you are in the area I would suggest going to take a look; it’s free also which is a bonus. After this we headed down to the Science Museum to check out the Omitheater which actually gave me motion sickness. It felt like I was on a roller coaster it really did give me the worst motion sickness.

I have now officially been to my first hockey game. I find with sporting events in the US that they are a real family thing. Loads of people there with young kids & loads of school trips. The vibe is always friendly & chilled. They are always a really good evening out for all. The game we saw was the Minnesota Wild V Edmonton Oilers; sadly the Wild’s didn’t win.

Finally starting to relax & sleep better. I always wake up early it’s a build into my routine at home; never really able to have a lie in without waking up at 6am then going back to sleep. The curse of the 9-5 routine. This is actually the first time since I was 17 that I have been unemployed. Granted I have a contract to start on the 4th March, I am technically now unemployed. I am really enjoying it have to say. I am really glad I took the time out before starting something new as really I do need to recharge. 2018 was exhausting in so many ways; 2019 is alway off to a much healthier & happier start. I can honestly say I am looking forward to things. Yes, new jobs & new places to live are always hard to navigate to start with but I am so looking forward to it all.

31·Plus

https://www.instagram.com/p/BtmBTg3AFDk/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=19d5surcneu2m

Arrived safely in Minneapolis! It was a bumpy plane ride as we landed in a snow storm which was interesting. Was wonderful to be greeted by a happy looking Sam waiting for me at the arrivals. I was delayed in Amsterdam for 5 hours which was ok as I got myself some new sunglasses. ( Ops..)

So the first night together we noticed that BMTH were playing with Thrice & Fever 333 which was awesome. Took me back to many a day where we used to gig together at least 3 times a week in college. Had such a great time together & the gig was brilliant.

During the day we grabbed a coffee & had a huge catch up. Much needed after the last 4 months. Sometimes you just need someone to give it to you straight. I am lucky that the relationship I have with Sam is very straight up. We are able to ask the awkward questions & disagree flat out with each other & not fall out over it. My choices in life are listened to without judgement & though they might not be agreed with, they are respected & supported. I guess this is just part of being friends with someone for so long. Your lives take different paths & you help each other navigate through,

I guess this is just all part of being in the #31plus club…..

M·A·N·C·H·E·S·T·E·R

So, I’m officially a Manchester resident. Totally unxpected & out of the blue but when everything was already up in there I thought why not. I haven’t really felt like writing much since the start of the new year because its been a slow start. Been living in limbo with a few things which hasn’t given me much motivtion really for anything while one chapter of my life closed the other was pending being opened. I also struggling to process things right away which is why I am often quite or silent in situation. Afterwards when I have processed all the information I then like to develop my opinion. I am the worst person to fight with as I basically give nothing at the time. I tend to hear the person out, then walk away, then come back full throttle a few days later. But I am here now & very excited to start the next chapter. Finally settled into the new flat & got the wifi sorted which means I can continue with the Ru Paul binge sessions.

I fly out to visit the lovely Sam & my sister on Tuesday this week. I feel like i’ve only just managed to sit down finally & I am off again; but I am not moaning about that. I have really needed to see them recently so this trip has been a long time coming.

I am finally letting go on some very negative energy this week. The weight off my shoulders has been incredible. I can literally feel positivity entering my body. I have always placed so much importance on my job. I finally see now how little it has to do with anything that really matters to me in life. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy work very much but to put it above all else is just so wrong. I have let it eat me up inside before & now I finally feel rid of all that pressure & exception I have on myself. I will always work hard, it’s in my blood from my Dad but I have finally seen the light & am willing to not allow it to eat away at me.

Happiness isn’t going to be found at a job or in another person. It is found in yourself & these other things aid it & develop it. It must start with you.

To know your worth, what should take your time & what shouldn’t, listen to small waves & moves life throws at you & move with them not against them. When it comes to work I must set boundaries & be strong enough now to know that those boundaries are none negotiable. I watch my friends have children & maintain these wonderful careers. I often sit back & think how the hell are you managing to do that. They have set boundaries & manage those boundaries. They do it so well. So I am going to be taking a leaf out of their book & doing the same for myself.

On that note I still really need to pack…..

2·0·1·8

https://instagram.com/p/BsAwltiAtEh/

New Years, currently on the train down to the big smoke. I’m excited to see friends who honestly I haven’t made enough effort with recently. I don’t have any excuses other than I’ve felt like I needed to be in one place for a little while. Lazy if you will. I’ve noticed that about myself recently; lost the spark to explore or branch out.

2018 has been a tough one. I’ve loved & lost. I’ve made mistakes with my jobs and in life. I’ve pushed things a little too hard, but in other areas totally ignore huge gaping holes, but those are the lessons we are here to learn. I have now…

I’m going to keep this short & sweet. 2018 you’ve been a bitch but I wouldn’t change it.

Happy new year!

xx

vul·ner·a·bil·i·ty

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Space; the most vulnerable thing we can allow ourselves to have. Giving yourself space to heal, refocus & realign. Allowing yourself to feel what your truly meant to be feeling is not a weakness. By definition vulnerability is described as a quality linked to being a victim or open to attack, but never used as a term for someone who is processing, allowing experiences & life’s lessons to shape & develop them.

Today is all about embracing vulnerability & using it as a tool to drive change.

I’ve been given the gift of change but I’m struggling to move into it. It’s easier to fight it than to allow the path that has been chosen for me. It is easier to hold on to the life I have known rather than the life I should be taking. This openness is what will allow change & progression. I am trying my hardness to let go of hurt & accept what is to be.

Enter the space with an open mind & allow it to change you for the better.

One day at a time….